Friend or Foe? And some crap about me! (Part 4)

If you actually know me, you know you are actually my friend, than the next things on this blog you will already know about me! If you are just finding out, than welcome to my world, lol.

It has taken me years to get over the physical, emotional, and verbal abuse that I endured for 13 years from my real father. What’s worse, is I have realized that I am still healing from it. You see, when I was growing up, my real father did not work. He told me that he went to Vietnam and a bomb blew up close to him and pieces of the bomb were still lodged in his head so close to his brain that it would kill him if they removed it. My mother, worked two actual jobs, cleaned houses, watched other peoples kids, and we were still on welfare in California!!! My older brother was gone 95% of the time, leaving my little brother and myself home alone with our real father.

Its bad when you think about your childhood listening to someone else complain about how their dad was working all the time or they only went on vacation once, or listening to someone with a great dad! I listen to so many people out there complain about stupid small things and I think “My God, if they only knew how lucky they really are!” A typical day in my household consisted of my mom leaving very early for work and my older brother doing whatever, me getting myself and my little brother ready for school all the while desperately trying not to wake our real father. We would go to school and come home, do our homework right away, and start cleaning the house. My mom never told us to do any of those things, it was always our real father.

If we weren’t quick enough, we were beat with whatever he could pick up! He hurt my little brother once when we were kids and I took every single one of his beatings after that! I took the roll of protector! I finally broke down and told my mom some of the things that went on while she was away….it took me nearly 18 years to finally come out with it. She cried and I never felt so bad in my life. I still wish I would have kept it all in! She asked me why I didn’t tell her then and I told her the truth! He (the real father) said he would kill you, my brothers, and me if I ever told! What’s worse…I believe him to this day! He still haunts my nightmares and sometimes, he haunts my daydreams!

What I find amusing now is he would tell me that he only hit me because he loved me. If he didn’t love me, he wouldn’t hit me. I dated several different guys and yes, there were a few abusive ones. None of them ever hit me, so naturally I assumed they never loved me, you know, really loved my like my real father. Now as I type this, I actually scoff at the notion of this idea. If you love someone, why would you want to hurt them? It got worse as I got older! Now, before you ask…my mom got the abuse the worst, then me, then my older brother, and my little brother only got hit once. If you have never been in this type of situation, you just don’t understand and you will never will!

My family should have gotten some sort of award for our acting skills. We kept the abuse hidden for years! No one suspected anything. My mom was terrified of my real father and more terrified that we would be taken from her. She did everything she could to try to fix that so-called marriage. She worked on it for 20 years and finally had enough!!! The day she left him was the last time, I would ever see my real father again!

Can you imagine a father telling his 13 year old daughter, only daughter, on the very last time he would ever see her: “Your the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. I never loved you. Your stupid, fat, ugly, you will never amount to anything, you will never be anyone, you don’t deserve to be living, your a bitch and a whore. I’m glad I wasn’t there when you were born! I was having the time of my life with another woman and her children! I hate you. I have always hated you. I should have killed you years ago and if I ever find you or your family, I will kill you all!” I was already kinda numb from the abuse I suffered everyday, but when he told me that, I became numb. I put a huge wall around my heart and kept it there for years!

My mom remarried and this guy never once physically abused any of us. It was very strange at first. He would be verbally or mentally abusive on occasion, but nothing like our real father. He didn’t know how to treat girls and to be honest, he still doesn’t know how to treat females at all. He never once claimed me as his in any way. He would introduce me to people as “That is her daughter!” I didn’t use my moms name on purpose! He never has realized he is the only ‘dad’ I have ever known that is not hurting me on a daily basis!

Needless to say, my mom finally had enough of playing maid to him and his bull crap, and left him! She lives with me now and I like her here! She has the freedom to come and go as she chooses and the feeling for her is really weird. I know she’ll get used to it and love it!

My husbands’ dad is a really great dad! I am not really his, but he claims me! He is nice to me, doesn’t hurt me, he’ll tease me, and I guess in his own way, he might even like me a little bit!!! My husband is a good dad! I watch him with my two boys and I admit, that I am jealous that they have such a wonderful father and I never did!

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, first off, I don’t want or need your sympathy! Why sympathize with me over something that happened years ago? I forgive my real father for what he has done, I don’t know if I can ever forget it, but I forgive him! Second, I thought it might or might not help explain a little more about me and why I am like I am! Who knows, maybe it did help, and maybe it didn’t! Just don’t feel sorry for me! I believe that we are put through certain situations in our lives to make us better people, to make us who we are, to better ourselves, and to learn from others mistakes! I know I am a stronger person from this experience! I know I could have never made it through without God!!!

More to come????????