I can do it!

Beginning March 1, 2009, I am going on a diet. I will not reveal my current weight as it is quite embarrassing to me. I am going to lose weight for me and me alone. I want to feel better about myself and how I look. I could careless what others think of me, this is something that I am going to do for me. I will do my best to try to remember to add to my diet or weight loss section as I can. I hope this will help me out and maybe even someone else out there who wants to lose weight for themselves as well. I will keep a positive attitude and do my best to lose it again. I say again because not long ago I was very sick (bronchitis, pneumonia, bronchial pneumonia, and bronchitis again all in a 4 month period, one right after the other) and had to take steroids to open my bronchial tubes. The steroids will be out of my system on March 1, 2009. So, wish me luck! =)

February 2009

I am so glad this month is almost gone. Its the shortest month of the year, but this time it has been super long. There is so much going on. Everyone is having a hard time and losing jobs. The economy is getting worse and worse. Jobs are hard to find and if you have a job, I suggest that you hang on to that job tightly and do your best at it. Why is it that some people can catch a break and others cannot?

My family has been struggling for a long time, in fact, since I was born. We have never had it easy and I often wonder if it is due to the fact that my family immigrated to the United States from other countries back around 1900-1940? There is just no telling.

I am 31 years old about to be 32 years old, I have never lived in a home that my family has owned, nor do I own my current residence. I have been on my own since I was 19 years old and have been renting the whole time. I have moved so many times in my life that it is hard to maintain jobs, mailing addresses, friends, and more. I think people who actually own a home are quite lucky and people who own more than one home just make me sick especially when they neglect one of the homes and just let it rot away.

The house I am currently renting is 2 bedrooms, one bathroom and there are 5 people living here. It is really cramped and there is no room for any of our things to be out so just about everything is in boxes. If I didn’t have so many doctor bills to pay, I wonder if I could get a home of my own? I also don’t have credit and that stinks. If I could go back and know everything that I know now, I wouldn’t change all of it, just some of it, but I would definitely have my own home.

I think I will eventually start some sort of ebusiness and hope that it will bring in some revenue for my family. I doubt it would since the economy is so bad. Oh well, February is a bad month. So many bad things have happened. My Grandfather fell, broke his arm, had to have surgery on it, then he falls again after the surgery when he’s at home and splits the stitches open and moves the metal thing in it, and had to have surgery again on it. I found out that Mr. Henry died in December and I had no idea that he did and I feel like crap about that.

I can’t help my family out of this house we are in and I feel trapped here. Is there nothing that I can do? Is there anything anyone can do? I wish everyone a better March and a better year. For those suffering like we are and worse, I wish you all the best and good luck in the future. To all those doing alright and will continue to do alright, I hope your luck doesn’t change and I hope you can remember that there are others hurting and try to lend a hand. If we can all help each other a little bit, maybe it won’t be like 1929 all over again.

Well, I will be back later. I am going to bed. I have to take my kids to school tomorrow or this morning. Have a good day!

Unsure

I think I am suffering from depression again. I have had it before and its possible I am suffering from it again. I wonder if it ever really went away? I’m not sure and I have never done any actual research on it. I guess I should. I have lost interest in so many things and I cannot explain it. I feel like crying for I have no idea what. I have been sleeping more than usual and haven’t felt like leaving the house. I have lost touch with the outside world to an extent and a few of my friends. I have a myspace page where I could talk to them, but I would rather write all of this anonymously and not get judged by anyone or given any advice of what I should or should not do. I guess I should make an appointment and see a doctor again and get on cymbalta again, but I really don’t want to. I feel useless and like I shouldn’t even be here. I feel kinda sad or whatever and just don’t have interest in anything. For those of you wondering, no I have not had any suicidal thoughts or tendencies so I guess maybe I don’t have depression? I don’t know, I’m unsure as usual.

Well, I paused to reread this and have decided that I am going to see a doctor tomorrow. I hope they can help me out again besides I need more Nexium for my acid reflux. No, I am not one big bundle of woes, I just have a few problems and in that respect, I am normal.

World of Warcraft

World of Warcraft or WOW is an online game in which people from all over the world can interact in game with other people. Is WOW an addiction? Yes, it can be. I, myself, have seen the charms of it and in fact have a level 80 character that I enjoy playing. Will I have more level 80′s? Only time can tell, lol. There are some people who play it nonstop and take the game far too serious and ruin it for others. This is a fun game, but sometimes people just need a break from it.

Thats what I have been doing for a bit, taking a break. I have been reading and writing in this blog that I doubt anyone will ever see lol. Anyway, play WOW and have fun. Don’t take it seriously though. Two thumbs up for this game as well!

The Duchess

This movie stars Keira Knightly and is based on the true life story of the Duchess of Devonshire. This movie was really good. I have always loved movies that show an early era. To have lived then and been a woman must have been quite difficult and I must confess that I am glad that I live in this era. This movie is a must watch. Even if you don’t like movies of this caliber, give it a try, and don’t judge it until the very end. Two thumbs up all the way. =)

UTube.com

UTube.com the source of controversy, strange things people come up with, violence, nudity, and who knows what else. I am researching UTube.com and posting my thoughts and opinions on that site. Many of my posts are returned with violence and name calling. I am beginning to wonder what this world is coming to. Is this how we were raised? Are we taught that just because its on the internet to be rude to others? I look upon the replies as how they were raised, how their parents are teaching them, and how they would treat me if they were to really meet me.

One camera person has posted several videos of the same two children acting out on a school bus. Many of these videos has this girl encouraging the acts of the two boys. The bus driver obviously doesn’t care and allows the behavior to continue while being filmed. One of the girls (camera person) comments to someone else states “We have the coolest driver, they don’t care what we do.” What about safety first? I wonder what the driver’s supervisor would think of these videos should they be released by the teenage girl who is recording these events? And what about the two boys she is recording? Do their parents know and are they related? This girl could be asking for some serious trouble.

I like UTube.com for the dancing videos. The videos that can actually make someone laugh, you know the ones I am talking about. I don’t like UTube.com for the violence and utter stupidity that is on it. I don’t like it for the rude remarks that are obviously made by children or people who just don’t care.

What happened to being civil to others and in replying to someone else…where is the common decency? What is the world coming to when people are just rude to others for no reason other than giving their opinion without being rude or using foul language? Is this what we are teaching our children and future generations?

Friend or Foe? And some crap about me! (Part 4)

If you actually know me, you know you are actually my friend, than the next things on this blog you will already know about me! If you are just finding out, than welcome to my world, lol.

It has taken me years to get over the physical, emotional, and verbal abuse that I endured for 13 years from my real father. What’s worse, is I have realized that I am still healing from it. You see, when I was growing up, my real father did not work. He told me that he went to Vietnam and a bomb blew up close to him and pieces of the bomb were still lodged in his head so close to his brain that it would kill him if they removed it. My mother, worked two actual jobs, cleaned houses, watched other peoples kids, and we were still on welfare in California!!! My older brother was gone 95% of the time, leaving my little brother and myself home alone with our real father.

Its bad when you think about your childhood listening to someone else complain about how their dad was working all the time or they only went on vacation once, or listening to someone with a great dad! I listen to so many people out there complain about stupid small things and I think “My God, if they only knew how lucky they really are!” A typical day in my household consisted of my mom leaving very early for work and my older brother doing whatever, me getting myself and my little brother ready for school all the while desperately trying not to wake our real father. We would go to school and come home, do our homework right away, and start cleaning the house. My mom never told us to do any of those things, it was always our real father.

If we weren’t quick enough, we were beat with whatever he could pick up! He hurt my little brother once when we were kids and I took every single one of his beatings after that! I took the roll of protector! I finally broke down and told my mom some of the things that went on while she was away….it took me nearly 18 years to finally come out with it. She cried and I never felt so bad in my life. I still wish I would have kept it all in! She asked me why I didn’t tell her then and I told her the truth! He (the real father) said he would kill you, my brothers, and me if I ever told! What’s worse…I believe him to this day! He still haunts my nightmares and sometimes, he haunts my daydreams!

What I find amusing now is he would tell me that he only hit me because he loved me. If he didn’t love me, he wouldn’t hit me. I dated several different guys and yes, there were a few abusive ones. None of them ever hit me, so naturally I assumed they never loved me, you know, really loved my like my real father. Now as I type this, I actually scoff at the notion of this idea. If you love someone, why would you want to hurt them? It got worse as I got older! Now, before you ask…my mom got the abuse the worst, then me, then my older brother, and my little brother only got hit once. If you have never been in this type of situation, you just don’t understand and you will never will!

My family should have gotten some sort of award for our acting skills. We kept the abuse hidden for years! No one suspected anything. My mom was terrified of my real father and more terrified that we would be taken from her. She did everything she could to try to fix that so-called marriage. She worked on it for 20 years and finally had enough!!! The day she left him was the last time, I would ever see my real father again!

Can you imagine a father telling his 13 year old daughter, only daughter, on the very last time he would ever see her: “Your the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. I never loved you. Your stupid, fat, ugly, you will never amount to anything, you will never be anyone, you don’t deserve to be living, your a bitch and a whore. I’m glad I wasn’t there when you were born! I was having the time of my life with another woman and her children! I hate you. I have always hated you. I should have killed you years ago and if I ever find you or your family, I will kill you all!” I was already kinda numb from the abuse I suffered everyday, but when he told me that, I became numb. I put a huge wall around my heart and kept it there for years!

My mom remarried and this guy never once physically abused any of us. It was very strange at first. He would be verbally or mentally abusive on occasion, but nothing like our real father. He didn’t know how to treat girls and to be honest, he still doesn’t know how to treat females at all. He never once claimed me as his in any way. He would introduce me to people as “That is her daughter!” I didn’t use my moms name on purpose! He never has realized he is the only ‘dad’ I have ever known that is not hurting me on a daily basis!

Needless to say, my mom finally had enough of playing maid to him and his bull crap, and left him! She lives with me now and I like her here! She has the freedom to come and go as she chooses and the feeling for her is really weird. I know she’ll get used to it and love it!

My husbands’ dad is a really great dad! I am not really his, but he claims me! He is nice to me, doesn’t hurt me, he’ll tease me, and I guess in his own way, he might even like me a little bit!!! My husband is a good dad! I watch him with my two boys and I admit, that I am jealous that they have such a wonderful father and I never did!

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, first off, I don’t want or need your sympathy! Why sympathize with me over something that happened years ago? I forgive my real father for what he has done, I don’t know if I can ever forget it, but I forgive him! Second, I thought it might or might not help explain a little more about me and why I am like I am! Who knows, maybe it did help, and maybe it didn’t! Just don’t feel sorry for me! I believe that we are put through certain situations in our lives to make us better people, to make us who we are, to better ourselves, and to learn from others mistakes! I know I am a stronger person from this experience! I know I could have never made it through without God!!!

More to come????????

Friend or Foe? And some crap about me! (Part 3)

Lately, it seems that I have been distancing myself from some of my friends. I want to talk with them, go visit, you know, just hang out or something, but I just feel so blah that I just don’t. I sit at home a lot contemplating why I should do anything with my friends when I feel like I am boring them or tagging along or even bothering them. Now, before I get thousands of emails from my friends, I know you have never intentionally made me feel that way! And, to be honest, I think it has everything to do with me! Its like I am just now discovering who I am and it scares the hell out of me to think that!

Can you honestly say that you know who you are? You know who you are, not what you like or don’t like??? The worst part of feeling like I do is that I feel like I am letting everyone down, even myself! All of my friends have had some interesting changes in their lives and it seems like I am missing most of these changes! What’s worse, is not all of the changes are good and the friend could need some help! Then again, change isn’t always good…is it? It seems that there are so many things changing at the moment and not just for me, but my friends as well. I have a friend who is unhappy at his job and wants to return home! A place where he can be happy! This same friend has this need and want to find someone to love that is so intense that they set themselves up for heartache over and over again! I have another few friends who feel like they are losing touch with reality, life, friends, and things in general. Some of them are wondering who they are or what they have done for these changes to come about!

I have recently moved to another city and this one is far away from all the people I love, the things or stores I need to get to, and more. I am lonely and miserable out here in what is literally the sticks! Gas prices are outrageous and I am having a hard time with that! That’s life though, right? Have to roll with the punches? Why should we just roll with the punches or duck them out? Why can’t we look everything head on and face it with dignity and pride? Well, despite any and all changes, no matter how hard I may be to get up with, or the fact that I forget to call or write back due to some circumstance, I want all of my friends and you know who you are…..to know that:

I am still here for you! I have not gone anywhere! I will always be here for you! I love you just the way you are and wouldn’t change a thing! Please forgive my errors in being hard to contact, or my forgetfulness. It has nothing to do with you, I promise! You, each one of you, are special to me! Please don’t ever forget this! Big hugs goes out to all who need one and even to those who don’t!

On to part 4….

Friend or Foe? And some crap about me! (Part 2)

Oh, yes. I can hear you now! “Oh, great! Another weird post by this really weird girl! What could she possibly have to say now?” Well, I have plenty to say! There is so much I have been keeping in and I want to get it off of my chest for once! I have always been there for others and have listened with content and wanting to help them if I could! So, what would it hurt for me to just speak my mind and say how I feel?!? The truth of that is … I am actually afraid to just say how I feel! I don’t want to blurt something out and it come out in a way that was not intended and hurt someone else! I don’t care to do that. I am not into hurting someone else on purpose or accident! I would rather try to make someone happy, but that leads to that saying or was it a song lyric; “You can’t please everyone, so you have to please yourself!”

I am sure there will be some brainy person or a know-it-all out there who will try to give me a lecture and notify me if that is a lyric or a saying, but before you do, don’t! I don’t care where it came from or who said it! All I do know is that its the truth! It seems like no matter what I do or try, I always end upsetting someone and on most occasions that someone is me! I never noticed until it was pointed out to me that I have a huge tendency to try to please someone else or make someone else happy, even if it deprives myself in some way! I guess that’s one of my weird qualities! I really enjoy giving presents to others! I enjoy that way more than receiving presents! I admit, its nice to get something, but I am not picky! I am satisfied with a nice note of some sort that has a simple thank you on it or a mere I love you on it! Call me crazy, but its not the amount of money or time that is spent on a gift, but how much of yourself and your heart that goes into it!

Over the last few years, I have noticed that there are some people out there who are fake! They were a mask in front of you like they are ashamed of who they really are! Unfortunately, the mask takes shape, form, and sometimes even takes over causing more masks to be used completely hiding the true person! Why should we hide? Aren’t we all made in our own unique way, even twins have something different about them, and I believe that God created each of us just the way He wants us. No matter what, He loves us just as we are and thinks we are beautiful just the way we are!

I know these posts are kinda long and are jumbled together, but that is pretty much the way I am. Well, I am not long or jumbled together, lol. Actually, I am average for a female, lol. See, if you are actually reading these blog posts, you are catching a real glimpse of me. This may even be a side to me you never knew or may never have wanted to know! Only you can decide that for yourself!

I’m just a regular person, nothing special, who has my own opinions and my own voice just like you. I go through the same emotions as you and even some of the same phases of your life are similar to mine. We are all only human and we all make mistakes! Even though there may be some that we wish we could take back, we never will be able to, but we can learn from them and maybe even help prevent someone else from making the same mistakes that we have already been through!

Well, once again…see ya in the next installment of The Crazy Ladies weirdness! LOL!!!

Friend or Foe? And some crap about me! (Part 1)

Friend or Foe? Hmmm…I have been noticing that this is a question that many people have been asking more and more these days and I noticed that I, myself, do that as well! How can one determine if someone else is our friend or a foe? There is no exact science to this issue! You befriend someone you think is worthy and deserving of your time and efforts, someone you can get along with, someone you can trust and count on no matter what!!! Do such friends as these still really exist or are they just a figment of our imagination?

Think about it. You have a friend for years; not just two or three years, I’m talking about more than five plus years! Anyway, you have a friend for years and all of a sudden out of the blue, something changes and wham, your not friends anymore! Can you honestly say that either of you tried to reconcile the friendship or was something seemingly more important at the time?

I speak from experience on this matter! I will not go into great detail to spare all of the harshness again, but I can honestly say that I once had a friend who I thought was honest and trustworthy, a friend who was fun to be around, and seemed to have a good heart. Now, this friend, in my opinion, still has a good heart. I still think that it was in the wrong place at the wrong time. The point is: I know I tried to fix or mend this broken friendship more times than I could count. I was continuously told things like I will call you, lets hang out, or maybe we can do something one weekend. That went on for a long time until I finally realized that it was just talk and that is all it will ever be again!

I am not sure if this friend will realize who I am speaking of or not, and to be honest, I don’t care. I did not mention names or anything else incriminating! I do, however, want this friend to know that I don’t like idle promises or chit chat! I don’t like being tossed out like yesterday’s newspaper and I don’t like it when you think I will be waiting around you to pick me up again! I don’t like what happened with our friendship, but I have finally come to terms with it. But, the one thing that I want this friend to know, I wish you the best with your life! I wish you good luck and good fortune! I wish you a better friend for yourself than you were to me!!!

Yeah, yeah! I guess it could be considered slightly harsh, but oh well. That’s life, right? Why does life have to be like that? Why should life be like anything at all? Life is what we make it out to be, so why can’t we all just be a little nicer to each other? Life is to short to act like we do! Lets stop the violence and share the love! What would it hurt for you to just be nice to someone else? You know, let the person who has like 2 or 3 items in the grocery store ahead of you in line when you have a huge buggy load. Its polite and they would appreciate it! Move over a lane when your driving and see that another driver wants to get out of somewhere! Its common courtesy! And for the love of all mankind, when there is a person or pedestrian walking somewhere in any parking lot, remember that they have the right away and stop to let the walk on by. It doesn’t take that long! Besides that, pedestrians have the right away!

So much to say and so little time, so much to say and not enough space here on myspace, lol. I guess I will make this into parts. Why not? Its not like anyone actually reads these things, right? Besides its a great way to vent and get it all out into the open! See ya in the next installment coming very soon!!!